Help Leaving An Abusive Relationship - Understanding The Steps

Guidance from someone who gets it!

If you are looking for help leaving an abusive relationship, then first of all, well done! Recognizing that you are, indeed, in an abusive relationship is very difficult.

Getting out is another major obstacle, as you know.

 

The moment I knew...

I came home from work to a silence that felt unnatural. No music, no footsteps, no hum of the kettle - just emptiness.

I called her name. Nothing.

Upstairs, I noticed the closet doors gaping open. Her clothes, gone. All of them. That’s when my heart sank. Not a robbery. Just... disappearance.

We had moved into this fine big house only 3 months previously. Within the first month we had painted, decorated and furnished it. I had spent a small fortune getting the house done up quickly to please her.

I called her mother’s house. She answered. I barely got out, “Are you okay?” before she unleashed a storm of accusations, criticisms, venom. She said she was seeing a lawyer in the morning. Then the line went dead.

My first instinct? Jump in the car. Race over. Beg her to come home.

But something made me pause. Not fear. Something else.

I started pacing the room, asking myself the same question over and over: "What’s wrong with this picture?"

Then it hit me - this was a game I’d been forced into too many times. The manipulation, the guilt, the way I always ended up being the one to grovel.

That was the moment I stopped. Not just pacing. But submitting.

I decided I wasn’t going to be controlled anymore. I didn’t know what came next - but I knew there was no going back.

If you're where I was… just know: you can walk away. And it will be the first step toward finally feeling free.

 

Confused? Afraid?

You may feel afraid, anxious, confused, you may doubt yourself in a horrible way, you seem to bounce back and forward between opposing ideas and you get overwhelmed very easily.

That's quite normal right now! Many of my clients report such things.

The trick is to slow down. Take things one little step at a time. If you try to consider many things, or try to think into the future, you will probably just get overloaded.

So, baby steps! Consider the next small thing you have to do and do that until it's done. Then consider the next thing. And so on.

 

Help leaving an abusive relationship - a step by step plan for safety and healing

I do not intend to go over the many aspects of abusive relationships here. I am going to assume that you are in a controlling situation and you want out. (If you are not fully sure whether you are in an abusive situation, you can read more about the symptoms and warning signs of abusive relationships.)

I will cover many things in this article, including:

• Making the decision to leave
• Making safe plans to leave
• Start journaling
• Enlisting the help of others
• Do you leave or do you send your partner away?
• What to take with you
• Managing children
• What happens after you leave
• Minimizing contact
• Rebuilding your life

 

Decision making difficulties

It is the nature of mind control that the victims have difficulty making their own decisions. The manipulators very heavily influence the decisions of those they are controlling. The decision to leave comes under this general umbrella but there are 3 other factors to consider.

The first is that victims do not often understand the gravity of their situation. The abuse is so normalized for them that they don't realize how bad the situation actually is. In this case, the victim needs to learn about mind control and abuse so that they begin to recognize that what they are enduring is very abnormal. When they get this part, and realize that leaving is the best thing to do, then the second factor kicks in.

The second factor is the dependency that the manipulators create in their victims. I know this sounds a bit strange, but it explains a lot of what happens in abusive relationships. It's the reason battered wives go back to their husbands, it's the reason people stay in abusive relationships even though they may be very unhappy and it underpins the "on-off" situation many people experience when trying to get away from an abuser.

This dependency is not often considered but it is insidious and very, very significant. As I mentioned, some people find themselves knowing that they need to leave but they do not have the wherewithal do actually do it. This is often due to this dependency. In these cases, the person has to learn more in order to undo the damage done to them, to lessen this dependency so that they can actually act on the decision to leave.

And the third factor that has to be dealt with is the fear. Fear and guilt are the two major factors used by manipulators to keep the control in place. Victims are programmed to make decisions emotionally. If it pleases the manipulator, the victim knows to go ahead. If the victim thinks that some action will displease the abuser, then they will not do it. Leaving falls into the latter category.

There will always be some fear in escaping an abusive partner but the victim in such circumstances has to place more attention on the rational aspect of the decision ("I know it's the best thing to do!") and to override the fear. Some people whose lives are actually in danger may have to just run and sort out the learning afterwards. Obvously, such situations are much more traumatic for those involved.

 

Making safe plans to escape

A lot here depends on the individual circumstances. Who leaves the house, you or your partner? Do you have money? Are there children to take care of? Whose are the children? Are you actually married?

There are some general guidelines here for how to leave a toxic relationship once you have made the decision to leave.

• Put your safety first
• Put your wants and needs first, no matter how selfish it might seem right now
• Tell people close to you what is happening and enlist their help
• If you are leaving, figure out where you are going
• Get as much money together as you can.
• If you fear for your physical safety, you need to consider a lawyer, restraining orders, etc.
• Do NOT share your plans initially with the abuser
• Get originals of important paperwork (or copies) and put them somewhere safe where the abuser cannot access them. Make copies and save the copies in a different place.
• Get professional help
• It's usually better to get away and sort things out later then to try and organize things so that there is a 'best' moment to leave. That best moment may not occur for months or even years!
• If you are leaving, take things that you want. Take more then you are comfortable with. You have been trained to put your partner first, but now you have to break that pattern. I will repeat it, take more than you are comfortable with (including money!). 3 or 4 months down the line, you will wish that you had taken even more!
• Rest and relax. This is exhausting. You need to rest and sleep. A lot!
• Lean on people right now. You need lots of help and support. You can pay people back later if you need to.
• If you are making notes or lists of things to do, make sure the abuser cannot access them.
• You do not owe your abuser anything. There is often a strong sense of obligation towards abusers, but keep in mind that you do not owe them anything.
• You deserve safety. You deserve peace.

You need lots of help leaving an abusive relationship so let's look at some of these things in more detail.

 

Keeping a journal

It's a great idea to write things down. Note things as they happen, with dates and times, and record memories as they come back to you.

This will help if they are gaslighting you so that you know you are not the one who is bad, mad or sad. You are not the one who is the problem in the relationship, you are not going crazy, nor are you the one who is the emotional manipulator.

Looking back on these diaries in 6 or 8 months can be very useful to help to make sense of what was being done to you.

 

Enlisting the help of others

You have been programmed to believe that, firstly, anything bad that happens is your fault, never your partner's, and secondly, you should be able to sort everything out on your own. It goes without saying that these two ideas benefit your abuser.

Now is the moment to start to break these patterns, too. You need help. Whether it's family or friends, or domestic violence support, you need somebody to understand your situation. You need a third party perspective as well.

This brings up another issue. You have also been programmed to not reveal stuff about your abuser to others. You have been programmed to protect and defend the abuser. I know, that's twisted, but once again, this is the nature of mind control.

It may feel like you are betraying your partner by telling others about what is going on in the relationship but it's very important right now. Another point, tell only a few people, not everyone around you. Talk only to a few people that you know you can trust (NOT your partner!).

And from these few people, take all the help you can get. If they offer to look after the kids for a few hours so that you can rest, take it. If they offer you a meal, eat it. If they offer to help you move some of your belongings, say yes.

You need somebody to bounce ideas off. You need someone to see things that you cannot. You need someone to ask what is normal and what is not. In an abusive relationship, your ideas and beliefs get distorted. You need help sorting through all that.

And, of course, professional help is invaluable. It will save you time, money and suffering.

There are also hotlines that you can call in emergencies if you are not quite ready to talk to friends or family.

 

Help leaving an abusive relationship - do you leave or do you get rid of your partner?

Getting an abuser out of your home can be very tricky. It depends on a lot of factors.

If the house is yours, for example, then things are somewhat easier. A good idea is to have a friend or family member (or even two or three!) come over so that when you tell the abuser to leave, you are not doing it alone.

Warn your friends, that no matter what the abuser says, they are not to leave you alone with him or her. You do not want the abuser to have a chance to manipulate you into changing your mind.

Depending on the amount of stuff they have, you could pack it all up when they are not there and then when you confront them, they take all their stuff with them in one go. If that is not possible, tell them to contact you before they call to collect the rest of their stuff and have your friends present when the abuser returns to collect it.

You could insist that they come at a particular time soon, otherwise you will be throwing their stuff out. Remember, you owe your abuser nothing. You are not obliged to make life easy for them. In fact, if you do treat them kindly hoping they will be nice back, you are putting yourself out for no reason. They will accept your favor but they will not return it.

I know these ideas might induce terror in some people, but this is the fear I mentioned earlier. That's why having friends present when you have to deal with the abuser is a good idea. Remember, take all the help leaving an abusive relationship that you can!

You are allowed to tell them not to come to your door unannounced or you will be calling the police. If they do call unannounced, do not answer the door to them! Do not engage them in conversation. They just want to have a conversation with you to have a chance to continue to manipulate you. It is your job not to let them do that to you.

Changing the locks after they are gone is always a good idea. And while you are at it, change the passwords on your phone, your social media accounts, your bank accounts and so on.

What if you are leaving? You obviously need a place to stay, whether it is a shelter, a friend or family member's house or you rent a new place or even go to an airbnb for a spell. Either way, as soon as you know you are leaving, the sooner you leave the better. If you spend a couple of weeks in a friend's house while looking for a place to stay, you will be better off. The important thing is that you get out as quickly as possible.

Otherwise you risk not doing anything for a while, which can turn into a few weeks and then a few months, and so on...

If the house is only in your partner's name and you have no right to it (you are not married) then leaving is much easier. Again, the ideal way to escape an abusive partner is to pack up your gear when the abuser is not around and leave. Then tell them that you have left. This avoids lengthy conversations where they will try and convince you to stay, which you want stay away from. They will lie to you, gaslight you, blame you, promise that they will change, tell you that you are missing out etc., etc., etc.

You have been negotiating with them for months or years. You haven't gained anything so far and you are not going to win now.

This may not be feasible or possible in some circumstances. In which case, it is still best to give the abuser as little notice as possible of your plans.

If you are married, for example, it may be useful to talk to a lawyer about what is legally best in terms of moving out of a jointly owned home. But be wary of staying in the home with the abuser for extended periods of time. You will suffer for it!

If you can find a lawyer who understands psychological abuse, they are worth their weight in gold! It's worth shopping around for a good lawyer. And if your lawyer is not fighting for you in the way you want, get another one. You need help leaving an abusive relationship, not a lawyer who is a hindrance.

Some people do the legal aspect themselves but I recommend you understand psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists and mind control first so that you are well prepared to take on the abuser.

 

What do I take with me when I leave?

If you are leaving a controlling partner, once again, take more than you are comfortable with!

If you have to run for your life, you just take the bare essentials, cash and credit/debit cards, back account informations, identification papers, birth and marriage certificates, health insurance details, phone (and charger!), computer, medications, some clothes, shoes, toiletries, eyeglasses and keys and a list of emergency phone numbers.

If you have more time to plan, take everything with you when you leave if you can. If not, you can expect to have problems getting your stuff back from the abuser. They may destroy it, they may use it as a bargaining chip to engage you in conversation (to continue to manipulate you!) and they may even blackmail you with it.

All important paperwork, including photographs that you want, should be removed as soon as possible. Make copies and put them on a hard drive and store this in a separate place. All your personal items, jewelery, books, need to be safeguarded, too.

If you can move clothes and such stuff out to a friend's house bit by bit, this often saves a lot of time later on.

When you do move, if you have to leave stuff behind, leave things that you can easily replace later on if you need to.

 

Help leaving an abusive relationship - what to do about children

Having children involved if you are breaking free from emotional abuse obviously complicates things. And there are different considerations depending on whose the children are, what ages they are and what they think of the abuser.

If they are not your children, you will probably be leaving them behind. This is distressing, knowing that their parent is abusing them. However, you are not responsible for what the abuser does, nor are you responsible for the lives of the children. If they are old enough, and if they wish, they could go with you if they also recognize that their parent is abusive. Otherwise there may not be much you can do.

If they are your children, and not his, that is easier. They obviously go with you.

If you are both the parents of the children, things can get tricky. Expect that the abuser will use the children to make your life miserable. Everything from threatening that they will take the kids and you will never see them again, to actually turning the kids against you so that the children do not actually want to have contact with you.

This is why I say that the age of the children is important. It's easier to take very young children away with you. You have to explain very little and they are not going to let a secret slip if they don't know the secret.

Older children can be more complicated. One important aspect is what the children think of the abuser. If the child recognizes the abuser as bad or controlling, it makes your life much easier. However, the abuser may have one or more children 'on their side', so to speak.

The child will not tolerate you saying bad about the abuser, they do not recognize the true nature of the abusive parent and they are often programmed to make your life hell. They believe that you are the bad one, they blame you for everything and they are not afraid to say all this to your face.

I definitely recommend professional help for such situations. Educating such children about the reality of their situation is very complicated and beyond the scope of this article.

Much of the time, it's a case of assessing each child's situation and dealing with each individually.

Telling them the truth is generally useful. First of all, it validates their experience, reinforcing their suspicions about the abuser. Secondly, they have been lied to a lot by the abuser. They deserve the truth. Thirdly, it helps them to understand what abusive relationships look like. They need someone to point out to them what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

Otherwise they have nothing to compare to, and they will grow up thinking that abusive behavior is somehow normal or meant to be tolerated.

 

Minimizing contact

Having as little or no contact with the abuser is by far and away the best plan but in the short term it is also the most difficult. However, life quickly gets easier when that dependency is 'broken'.

Many people think that after the breakup the bad treatment will stop. But remember I said that these people live to control others? They may not give up. They may turn others against you in smear campaigns, they will have their new partner write nasty emails or messages to you and they may even turn your own family members against you.

If there is a divorce, you can be sure they will try all sorts of nonsense to waste your time and keep you on an emotional roller coaster. At some point you will need legal help leaving an abusive relationship. As soon as you can, put a lawyer between you and your partner and make sure everything goes through the lawyers.

Did I mention getting professional help?? You need to get this person out of your head! Someone commented that being in an abusive relationships is like having a malignant psychiatrist living rent free in your head.

If your ex-partner steps into another relationship straight away and leaves you alone, count your lucky stars! You will feel disappointed, dumped, dreadful. You will ask yourself what their new partner has that you do not and you won't have an answer to the question. This, again, is that dependency thing.

Otherwise, if you have to write messages, write facts only. No emotional stuff. No debating back and forward. And you are not obliged to respond to everything they send to you. You can even ignore parts of their messages if they are not necessary and/or urgent.

 

Help leaving an abusive relationship - what you can expect after you leave?

The first thing is that the abuser is not going to make life easy for you. They have invested a lot of time into controlling you. Their lives revolve around controlling others. So they are not just going to walk away.

Their main aim is to get access to you so that they can continue a conversation with you. They need contact to know what is going on in your head so that they can talk to you and continue the manipulation.

They do not want to think that somebody walked away from them. They want to be the ones who walk away. So an interesting phenomenon is for an abuser to convince their victim to return, only to break up with them soon afterwards!

There will be all sorts of tricks to get you to communicate. They will demand an explanation, they will claim they don't understand what is going on and plead for help to know why you are treating them this way, they will pretend there is something important they need to talk about.

They may suggest that you can avoid lawyers fees by sorting things out with you privately first, they may promise you the sun, moon and stars, they will promise that they will change, they will say that you won't find anyone that will love you as they do and you will end up alone and on and on...

Recognize all these things as manipulation and don't give in to them. I know, I know, because of that pesky dependency I mentioned earlier, it's incredible difficult not to have contact with them. You are tempted to follow them on social media to know what they are up to. This is also a mistake. It gives you temporary relief from the awfulness of not being with them, but it also feeds into the dependency making things worse over the long term.

No contact is by far and away the best thing you can do.

Apart from all that, it's common that your memory will be shot, you won't be able to concentrate, you will be full of doubts about whether you did the right thing leaving, wondering if you are throwing away a fantastic future and missing your ex something horrible. And I mean horrible. (Did I mention the dependency?)

There is often difficulty sleeping, confusion, anxiety, fear, guilt, a total inability to settle down. You may often think that things should be better after leaving but when this is not so, you think that maybe the abuser was right and there is actually something wrong you. You may feel as if you are going crazy because you cannot make sense of what went on in the relationship.

Some people are so shaken up that they cannot work or even function very well for some time after leaving a controlling partner.

 

Trust and identity issues

You will probably have difficulty trusting other people. You may not even trust yourself. "I got it so wrong that time, how can I trust myself to get it right the next time?"

There may be identity issues where you are no longer sure who you are, you feel that you lost yourself in the relationship. You may regret many things that you did while with the abuser.

People will tell you that now that you are out of the relationship you can just forget about the abuser and continue with your life. You know you can't do it so it makes you feel worse to hear advice like this. You realize that others have no idea how you feel and it makes the sense of isolation worse.

Even over time, things don't seem to get better on their own. And this is true. The damage was done with very strong influence techniques every day for years and it does not undo itself simply because you left. You were not aware of many of the things that were done to you so you could not mentally resist at the time.

And unless you spend the time to learn about what was done to you, and specifically how it was done, you won't be able to undo those effects. This is where professional help leaving an abusive relationship is invaluable.

You feel it's not fair that your abusive partner carries on with the next person and you are left an emotional and physical mess trying to pick up the pieces. And you are right, it's not fair. But the fact is that bad things happen to good people.

 

Rebuilding your life

So what can you do? Now that you have left the toxic relationship, and survived, you have to put your life back together, which is another major piece!

• Undo the pseudopersonality, the false personality that abusers impose on their victims
• Re-establish your own personality
• Integrate into society again
• Build financial independence
• Rebuild old relationships and build new ones
• Create a new intimate relationship

The first thing is to undo the damage that was done to you. This means getting rid of the false personality that was imposed on you. You can read more about pseudopersonalities here.

At the same time as you are doing this, you also need to connect with your real personality so that that the real you starts living your own life again, free from the influence of the abuser.

Some victims have been so isolated that they have to learn to be around people again. Their values and criteria have been so distorted that they have to figure out what is normal and acceptable and what is not.

Some people have to get back into working because their financial independence was destroyed by the abuser. It is not easy for someone leaving an abusive relationship to just throw a resume together and send it around the place. They are not used to talking about the good aspects of themselves and their self worth is so low that it takes effort to build it up again.

The criteria you used to make friends in the past got you into trouble, into an abusive relationship, in fact. These criteria have to be reworked so that you end up in healthy relationships of equals. This is not a quick job!

And some of your relationships may have been destroyed by the abuser. These may need to be sorted out. Now that you know something about psychopaths and narcissists you may even have realized that some of your other relationships involved these people and you actually need to cut these types out of your life.

When you have established your real identity, now you are ready to find another partner, using your new set of values and criteria.

Ready for professional help? Contact me here

 

Help leaving an abusive relationship - more reading

As you can see, it's vital to have help leaving an abusive relationship. There are many major hurdles to overcome and it's not fair to expect yourself to be able to do it alone.

Information is key. The more you understand, the easier it is to know what to do and which direction to go in.

Here are some more articles that you may find useful:

• Domestic violence cycle of abuse
• Stages of abusive relationships
• Help for victims of psychopaths
• Life after dating a psychopath
• Recovering from a narcissistic relationship
• How to divorce a sociopath

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