My Wife Is Beating Me - What To Do, Getting Help And Staying Safe

"My wife is beating me!" is not an easy thing to admit to yourself. It's even more difficult to admit to someone outside the relationship, whether that's family, friends or even the police.

However, it is very important to address such a situation rather than suffering in silence.

There are some important thing to keep in mind here. Traditionally the ratio of male to female sociopaths was considered to be 6:1. Research has shown that the ration is closer to 2.1:1.

This is a major deal. Female psychopaths are 5 times more prevalent than previously thought! That means that there are a lot more men in abusive relationships than we realize. This has far reaching implications.

Secondly, there is often a huge stigma attached to male domestic abuse which mean that men are reluctant to come forward and talk about what happens in their own homes. And, sometimes with good reason. They are often not taken seriously, even when they have bruises and injuries as evidence of the abuse. There are lots of stories where the police and the legal system blame the victim when the victim is a man, or the abusive woman is treated in a much more lenient manner than a man would be.

And thirdly, when there is repeated physical abuse, over time, there is usually psychological abuse in place already that keeps the victim in the abusive situation and makes it very difficult for the victim to leave. More about this later.

Let's examine in some detail the following aspects:

• What constitutes physical abuse?
• who does it?
• why it happens
• understanding the control aspect
• safety planning
• legal action
• recovering

 

Defining "My wife is beating me"

Physical abuse includes the usual things of hitting, punching, slapping, biting, scratching, kicking, kneeing and so on. Hitting with weapons or other objects is also included.

Throwing objects, whether they hit the victim or not, is also a form pf physical abuse. Punching the wall besides the victim's head is more common when men are the aggressors but women have been known to do this, too.

Strangling, burning, thrusting objects or even hands close to someone's face, restraining, misusing medication and forcing alcohol or drug use are all forms of physical abuse.

Then there are more 'subtle' things that happen. When the husband and wife are both in the kitchen, she opens the head height cupboard doors when he is beside her and she 'accidentally' hits him on the head with the door. If this happens repeatedly, then it is not an accident and is physical abuse.

When he is walking behind her and accidentally hits her foot so that she falls over is another example of physical abuse that has been used by abusers. Being rough and careless on stairs is another way that people have been physically threatened.

 

What kind of people abuse others physically?

There are some people who believe, because of their role models as a child, that hitting is an acceptable thing. There are others who may hit out in frustration or even fear and who sincerely regret it afterwards. This article is not about those people.

There are another group of people on this planet who live to control others. In other words, they control and dominate others for the sake of controlling and dominating. These are people with personality disorders, more commonly known as psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Their relationships with others are based on coercion and exploitation.

I am not going to go into great detail here about these types but there are certain things that you have to keep in mind at all times if you are involved in such a relationship.

• They believe that they are superior beings. They are more intelligent, more deserving and more important than those around them.
• They want things to be their way and they want it all now.
• They do not have emotions in the way humans normally. Their emotions are very shallow or even non-existent. That basically means that they never feel bad for anything they do. (No shame, guilt, remorse, embarrassment, etc.)
• These types are practiced liars. They can be extremely good at it! And when you catch them in a lie, they lie even more to get around it...
• You are blamed for everything that goes bad or wrong, no matter what it is. They are never at fault (that superiority thing, again).
• They won't apologize but expect you to ask for forgiveness for many things. If they do apologize it actually means nothing, it's another lie, because they are doing the same nasty things again 5 minutes later.
• They are quite conscious of what they are doing.
• They are never going to change. The only change they undergo is to improve their coercive skills over time.
• These people make a living manipulating and exploiting others.
• You cannot negotiate with them. They say one thing and do another. They have no sense of obligation in keeping their word.
• They are motivated by power and control.
• They will abuse you as long as you are around them.

I know, that's a lot to take in! However, if you are dealing with such a person, you really need to recognize it. You cannot afford to treat such a person using the usual rules of society.

These people play by a different set of rules. That's why the disorder is called antisocial personality disorder. Their behavior is destructive to others and to society. You really need to know what their rules are if you need to take them on in any way.

If you are thinking, "my wife is beating me," then the next thought has to be, "Am I dealing with a narcissist or a psychopath?" Then, of course, you have to answer that question quickly and clearly. Your future plans depend on this idea.

Therapy or not? Divorce? What about the kids? All these things depend on whether you are dealing with someone with a personality disorder.

 

Why it happens

I have already mentioned that the psychopaths and narcissists are driven to dominate. Their lives are organized around building compliance in those around them. They want to control the perceptions, beliefs, thinking processes, decision making, emotions and behaviors of their victims.

Another important factor is that, for these people, the end justifies the means. In other words, whatever they want, they believe they are entitled to do whatever is necessary to achieve exactly that. They believe they are entitled to treat others in whatever way they like in order to have what they want.

And remember, the lack of emotions means they don't feel bad about anything they do. So basically, they can do anything to other people and never feel bad about it. The ramifications of this are enormous, needless to say!

With these ideas in mind, you can begin to see that the beatings, the physical abuse, is a part of a much bigger system of control and manipulation. The physical abuse is but one technique in a whole range of tactics and techniques used by abusers to control every aspect of the the victim's life.

What happens is that the manipulators use mind control techniques to first befriend the victim. Then they link all the victim's good feelings to themselves. They create a situation where the victim only gets to continue in this wonderful relationship if the victim goes along with what the manipulators want. In this way, the unconditional care and attention of the abuser at the very start of the relationship becomes conditional, conditional on the victim changing their thinking and behaviors to what the manipulators demand.

You can read more about the specific dynamics in these articles about narcissistic boyfriends and narcissistic husbands. Just swap boyfriend for girlfriend and husband for wife because the setup is the same.

The manipulators generally have a good sense of how much control they have in the relationship. They know how much they can get away with at any point in time.

When they realize they are losing control, or have gone too far, a common tactic is to just play nice. They act friendly and caring because they know the victim will have difficulty staying upset at someone who is caring for them.

However, some of the psychopaths and narcissists get fed up with playing nice and will switch to physical punishments. Sometimes, it seems, it's because they get a kick out of it. They are demonstrating their control over another human being and this human being cannot do anything to stop the physical abuse or to get out of the situation.

For others, the anger or lack of control is enough to push them to demonstrate their dominance swiftly and forcefully. They lash out in the moment to regain control, to put that compliance back in place as fast as possible. If it works, and it usually does when the psychological control is already in place, then they will continue doing it over time.

 

Understanding the control aspect

The recognition that "my wife is beating me" does not always bring about quick change. Many men suffer this for years. In order to understand why people stay in physically abusive environments, it's useful to understand the idea of pseudopersonalities.

The changes that manipulators bring about in their victims, as I said before, the alterations in thinking, emotions, behavior and so on, basically add up to a personality change. The abuser imposes a new personality on the victims. This is why people say they lost themselves in the relationship, they no longer knew who they were, and things of this nature.

This new, but false, personality is programmed in various ways. It is programmed to trust and believe the manipulator, it is programmed to take care of the manipulator. And it is programmed to be dependent on the manipulator. This idea is very important. It is poorly understood and grossly underestimated.

The victim is made to be dependent on the abuser. This has nothing to do with the identity of the victim and everything to do with the skill of the manipulator in controlling their victims. (When the pseudopersonality is undone, this dependency disappears.) In other words, it is not the fault of the victim. It is something that is done to the victim without their knowledge and certainly without their consent.

This dependency means that it is very difficult for the victim to leave the abusive situation. Lots of people say that if someone ever laid a hand on them, they would leave the relationship immediately. However, once the dependency is in place, this getting away is not even an option.

In many situations, for example, the victim believes that they did something to deserve the physical punishments and they just need to try harder to please their partner and if they are successful, they won't have to endure the punishment again. That is to say, the physical abuse, and the humiliation that accompanies it, actually augments the dependency. I know, this is very twisted, but this is the nature of mind control.

Another important factor here is that the timing of the physical abuse is often unpredictable. One day you say something and nothing happens. The next day you reference the same thing and you get slapped for it. What happens here is the the victim becomes hyper-vigilant. They are all the time watching the moods and humors of the manipulator to avoid being punished. This creates chronic stress and chronic anxiety.

 

My wife is beating me - safety planning

If you are in an abusive relationship, the aim is always to get out.

Physical abuse in such a situation brings an added urgency. The general rule is to never underestimate a psychopath. Don't underestimate the lengths they will go to. Don't underestimate the level of cruelty they are capable of. And don't underestimate the physical damage they can do.

I am not saying that every person who is being beaten by a psychopathic spouse is in mortal danger. However, more than one spouse has complained to family and police about physical abuse and before the necessary steps were taken somebody loses their life, whether it be children, the spouse, or both. And yes, female psychopaths kill, too. There are lots of female serial killers in history and in the world today.

One problem is that sometimes a victim, whether it is a man or a woman, needs to learn about mind control to understand that he or she is in a serious situation. Sometimes they need more help to get rid of the pseudopersonality/dependency in order to be able to make the decision to leave and actually act on that decision.

And sometimes a person needs to run and deal with the trauma when they are away from the manipulator and out of physical danger. I am not sure there are many hard and fast rules in such situations but, obviously, if someone is in fear of their lives, then it makes sense to get away and sort everything else out afterwards.

To get out, you need help. Be prepared to lean on family and friends. Take all the help you can get. If you need to, you can plan to pay them back later.

This is often a big issue for victims of mind control. They have been programmed to think that they should be able to sort things out on their own and they have difficulty asking for help. When they do ask for help, they think they have to pay it back straight away.

Consider this part of the thinking of the pseudopersonality. It was put in place for the benefit of the abuser. Now it's time to do things differently. Break the patterns of the pseudopersonality and ask for help.

This includes financial help, too. If the abuser has a tight rein on the finances, the victim may have little to no access to funds. Again, accept help in this area, too. You can do the payback thing later, if it is needed. Often times the victim is more concerned about the finances than close family and friends might be. In fact, family and friends may be only too willing to pay to get you away from someone they see as abusing you.

Taking care of children is obviously also a major concern. Children complicate the situation a lot and they will also need help and support getting rid of their pseudopersonalities (so that they are not caught by abusers in adult life).

Professional help in planning your escape and recovering should be a priority.

 

Legal action

My wife is beating me, should I call the police? Calling the police if you are being beaten up is appropriate. But for men, again that stigma often prevents them from doing so. Add the dependency plus the sense of being loyal to your wife (which can be very strong in mind control situations!) and it is something that becomes very difficult.

There is a lot of stress involved in calling the police on your wife but sometimes it's a necessary and worthwhile step.

If the situation is severe, restraining orders need to be considered.

In many places the initial hearing is with the judge and the victim. The abuser is not present and does not know what is going on. Not until later does the victim have to go to court with the abuser. However, this break away from the abuser often allows the victim to see things differently and even though it is nerve wracking to have to deal with the abuser again, and in court, the victim can be more assured that they are doing the right thing.

Just a thing about psychopaths and restraining orders. My experience with my clients is such that the psychopaths often see the court order as a challenge. ("Nobody is going to tell me what I can or cannot do!!") They will pull all sorts of stunts to convince the victim to come and see them or allow them back into the house. If the victim willingly allows the psychopath back in, there is nothing the law can do about it. And again, that dependency thing makes it very difficult to say no.

So if you are going for a restraining order, it is important to decide up front that when you have it, there will be zero contact with the abuser, no matter what is said or done by the abuser. In this way, if something happens, you do not have to make a decision on the spot about seeing them, because it is already made. You are not seeing them and that's that. End of story.

Divorce, of course, is another legal recourse that you have access to. But just because you get divorced, does not mean the abuse will stop. Many people report that the abuse even increased during and after the divorce. Remember the manipulator wants to control you, and if that comes in the form of harassing you and making life difficult for you, that's what the manipulator will do.

Professional help is invaluable here.

Regardless of what happens in the court, I believe that the most important thing for you to do is to get your head sorted out. When you get rid of the pseudopersonality, the abuser no longer has any power over you.

People often ask when the abuser is going to get fed up and leave them alone. This often happens when the abuser realizes that the effort they are putting in to disrupting your life exceeds the results they are getting. Getting a court order will not necessarily get you closer to this point. Getting them out of your head definitely will.

So how do you do that?!?

 

From "My wife is beating me" to recovery

Psychoeducation is key here.

You need to learn about mind control. You need to learn about what makes someone a psychopath.

What tactics were used against you? Why did the manipulator choose those ones with you? How did the manipulator control your behaviors? How were your emotions manipulated? How was the flow of information to you changed for the benefit of the abuser? What were the motivations of your abuser? How were they influencing your decision making? What rules were put in place for you? How, specifically, were they put in place? How were you targeted in the first place? What tricks were used against you?

All these questions need to be explored and answered in order to undo the pseudopersonality. Once you understand the subtleties of the mind control techniques, they no longer have the hold over you they once had and you begin to take control of your own life again.

Did I mention getting professional help?

You don’t have to do this alone. You are not weak. All this was done to you without your awareness. It is not your fault!

Whether you need someone to talk to (someone who has been there!), guidance on what steps to take, or help with safety issues, I can support you.

Contact me confidentially today for professional help and time-tested, expert guidance.

 

My wife is beating me - further reading

You can read more here about

• how to spot a psychopath
• examples of coercion in relationships
• do psychopaths know what they are doing
• things manipulative people say
• warning signs of abusive relationships
• how to divorce a sociopath
• recovering from an abusive relationship

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