Steps Of An Abusive Relationship

Many people equate the steps of an abusive relationship with the four steps in the cycle of abuse. I don't believe this is accurate. If somebody started a relationship and found themselves immediately in the cycle of abuse, they would quickly leave.

If somebody was being insulted, shouted at and belittled very early in a relationship they would obviously question things in a major way. But that does not happen in abusive relationships.

There is something much more complicated and sophisticated going on. Many people in a controlling environment not only do not recognize from the start what is happening, but they may end up in this psychologically harmful situation for decades without being able to leave.

So how and why does this happen? Let's have a look at the details, from the very first moment until the very end.

I suggest we look at the following phases:

• Initial impressions
• the honeymoon phase
• commitment
• the cycle of abuse
• recognition
• leaving and
• recovering

It's important to keep in mind here that although I have listed different phases, there is often huge overlap between the steps of an abusive relationship. For example, the victim may be suffering through various cycles of abuse as they begin to realize what's actually going on.

On occasion, because of what the manipulator is doing and not doing, the realisation may stop or be forgotten by the victim for some time.

Then something happens and it dawns on the victim again that they are in a bad situation, and then they begin to take steps to get out.

Let's go back to the beginning…

 

The very first steps of an abusive relationship

The very first moments meeting a manipulator can actually be very impactful. Many victims report that they were instantly attracted to this person. So people talk about magnetism, seeing amazing coloured auras, having their breath taken away, being enthralled or captivated and so. Somehow, the manipulator makes an amazing first impression on the victim.

The victim finds the manipulator interesting, fascinating, attractive, appealing, desirable and wants to be involved in some way with this exciting person. Some people talk about having found their soulmate within hours of knowing the manipulator. People feel that they have met somebody who actually gets them, somebody who understands them in a way nobody has before.

In these situations, the individual has no trouble moving forward committing in some way with this person who has just come into their life.

Another very common situation is where, in the first few seconds of meeting the manipulator, the victim feels that something is off. Some people feel complete revulsion, disgust or horror. They feel repelled by this person. Other people have a vague sense that something is not quite right but they cannot put their finger on it. However, once the manipulator starts to talk and engage the person, this initial sensation disappears.

Occasionally, it's because the manipulator makes such a good impression when they start talking that the victim forgets about the first few moments. In other situations, the victim ignores the initial impression because they consider that because a friend or family member has introduced this new person, and this new person must be okay. The bad feelings are chalked up to the victim themselves being in a bad mood, feeling tired or just being wrong.

It's important to remember that neither of these two situations are necessary occurrences in an abusive relationship. Many people in controlling relationships do not report these things. The start of the relationship seemed like any other normal, healthy relationship. However, if you have experienced either of those two things, then consider them red flags for abusive relationships.

If you are looking out for the very first steps of an abusive relationship, then these initial impressions are exactly that.

 

Steps of an abusive relationship - honeymoon phase

At the start of any healthy, intimate relationship, people often talk about a honeymoon phase. This is where everything seems wonderful to each person. Even when they are not together, thinking about being together brings a nice warm, fuzzy feeling! The individuals do nice things for each other, there are gifts, compliments and so on. Lots of attention is placed on the good qualities of the other person and bad qualities are minimised or ignored. This is where the phrase comes from that "love is blind".

This is also one of the steps of an abusive relationship, but in an abusive relationship everything is much more intense.

The manipulator sends very strong messages that they like their victim, they have lots of things in common and that they would be perfect together. Again, in normal relationships these things happen, too. But, as I say, abusive relationships everything is much more intense.

The messages are very strong, they are exaggerated, there are lots of them. The victim is pushed along in the relationship very fast. The victim is led to believe, very quickly, that they can trust the manipulator. This is why, in abusive relationships, people often end up moving in together very quickly. They may even get married very quickly. And, of course, the relationship moves into a sexual phase rapidly. All these things should be considered early warning signs.

This notion of trusting the manipulator has several important ramifications. First of all, the victim feels okay in revealing lots of intimate details about themselves to the manipulator. It seems to the victim that the manipulator is incredibly interested in them. And, indeed, they are!

The manipulator asks all sorts of questions, listens intently to the answers and makes the victim feel special. However, what the manipulator is doing is gathering information to be used to control and manipulate. (Of note here is that the manipulators often reveal surprisingly little about themselves.)

Secondly, when we trust somebody we pay attention to what they say. We give importance to their opinions. We take their advice. We take on some of their ideas. We are more inclined to give and to compromise with those in whom we trust. Once again, all these things are taken advantage of by the manipulator.

Another important distinction between abusive relationships and normal relationships is that the manipulator links all the good feelings to themselves in abusive relationships. In a normal relationship one partner makes the other partner feel good for the sake of making them feeling good. They want to please the other person, they want that person to have a positive experience as well.

In abusive relationships, the manipulator associates all the good feelings with themselves. In other words, the victim is made to feel good because they are with the manipulator. This is different to normal relationships where each partner makes the other one feel good about being themselves.

Linking the good feelings to themselves is a major factor in how the manipulator creates an extra strong bond in the abusive relationship. We'll see a lot more about this idea later on. As I said, all these feelings are more manipulated and more intense in an abusive relationship.

Why does the manipulator do this?

The reason is that when somebody is having very intense emotions, they cannot think critically or logically. This applies whether the emotions are high or low. So, for example, somebody who is grieving the death of a loved one, cannot think about next week or next month. Their attention is so focused on the upset in the moment, that other problems become irrelevant.

The same thing happens when somebody is euphoric. If you try and introduce some problem or issue, they simply brush it off is not important or not relevant. They consider that it will just simply sort itself out.

The same thing happens when somebody is being targeted by an abuser. They feel like they are falling in love. They are full of energy, happy and even blissed out. When a friend of family member tells them that they don't like this new person in their life, they don't like what's happening, the victim throws out excuses such as, "you don't know them like I do, when you get to know them you'll understand!"

They are literally unable to hear or comprehend any warnings that are given to them. They are unable to see or recognise, not just red flags, but any faults or defects whatsoever in this exciting new person in their lives.

As far as they are concerned, everything is perfect, and nothing will ever be able to stop how good they are feeling.

And they are absolutely wrong! The next steps of an abusive relationship are inevitable.

 

Steps of an abusive relationship - commitment

The level of commitment present when the manipulator's behaviour changes is variable. It may be moving in together, or marriage, the birth of a child or even none of these things.

The manipulators recognize the level of control they have over their victims. At a certain point, their behaviours start to change. It can be something such as an overt critical comment, arriving late, telling a lie or doing something that they know is upsetting to the victim.

Remember all that information gathering at the start? Now we see it come into play.

The manipulator does something upsetting.

The victim responds.

The manipulator takes notes.

The manipulator is testing. What can I get away with? How far can I go? How much will my victim tolerate? When they respond in that way, what do I have to do to get them back on track? Back on track meaning "under my control again"!

The first time it happens is a tricky one for the victim. It seems out of character for this new, wonderful person in their lives. Maybe they're having a bad day? Maybe they're tired or stressed? Maybe I'm overreacting? After all, my partner has been supportive and affectionate up to now... this is not like them, and so on.

The manipulator will typically have some excuse that seems plausible in the moment. The event passes.

Then something else happens. The victim ends up putting up with because, again, things have been so good, there is a justification for it, they are committed, and they really want the pleasant times to continue.

Then the next thing happens. Again, justifications and a desire to continue means the victim puts up with it.

After a while the victim begins to pay attention to the patterns. "If I say or do these things, he gets upset. Therefore, I just won't do those things so that we can continue to have nice times."

In this way the victim begins to modify their behaviour in order to keep the good times going. It doesn't seem like a big deal. It's for the good of the relationship. This is what happens in relationships, right? There is give-and-take. There is compromise.

However, unbeknownst to the victim, the power imbalance is being augmented by the manipulator. Remember the idea where the good feelings are attached to the manipulator? Well now, this is being used. The idea is that the victim is learning if they want the good times to continue they have to follow the terms and conditions being put in place by the manipulator.

It is very unlikely that the victim is thinking in terms of power plays. The victim is only aware that they want the good times to continue.

In order for that to happen they have to please the manipulator in some way. It seems relatively easy to do this. Just do things that satisfy him or her and avoid doing the things that upset them in the past. It seems straightforward.

The difficulty is that the victim is treating this relationship as normal and healthy. They are not aware of the underlying dynamics. They believe their partner loves them and cares about them. They believe their partner has their best interests at heart.

They don't realise that the person they fell in love with does not actually exist. What do you mean? I hear you ask.

When an abuser is targeting a victim, they very quickly assess the victim. What are their weaknesses, fears, desires, wants, strengths, goals and so on? The abuser then presents themselves as the ideal partner.

They offer to provide what the victim wants. They allay the fears of the victim. They offer to improve weaknesses. They claim to provide what the victim desires. But it's all a trick. They are acting.

They are conning their victims into believing that they are the perfect partner.

The situation is that they are presenting themselves as a particular persona while making the victim feel amazing. They make the victim feel understood, heard, seen. They make the victim feel special.

What's not to like from the victim's point of view? In front of them is Mr Right or Miss Perfect. Of course it makes sense to go ahead, to commit. This initial impression is very strong and very difficult to shake.

So when things start to change, to go bad, the victim references this initial impression and considers that all they need to do is to figure out how to fix things so that they can get back on track again and everything will be okay.

How do you fix things? Well, ask your partner what's wrong and then take the necessary steps.

The problem is that when your partner answers, the answers are not designed to fix the relationship, rather they are designed to increase the control and domination. You may believe that your partner is offering solutions but really they are making you the problem.

They are making who you are the reason for the difficulties.

So what happens? You end up trying to change yourself to get the relationship back on track, to get back to those fantastic times at the start of the relationship.

This may seem complicated but it is fundamental to understanding the nature and dynamics of abusive relationships.

Basically, you do something and the abuser criticises it. But they are not just criticising the behaviour. They are criticising you for doing the behavior. There's a major difference between "that was a stupid thing to do" and "you are stupid for doing that."

The latter has the effect of making you feel bad about who you are.

The effect is that you feel you need to change yourself in some way to stop doing that behaviour so that your partner is no longer upset at you.

In this way, over time, you end up changing not only your behaviour, but your perceptions, your thinking, your decision-making and the way you express your emotions. This basically adds up to a personality change. The abuser imposes a false personality on their victims.

This false personality dominates and represses the real personality. It takes over and runs the show.

This pseudo-personality is programmed to believe and trust the manipulator, to take care of the manipulator, to ignore its own wants and needs and to be dependent on the manipulator.

This idea of the pseudo-personality is a really nice model to understand the power dynamics in the abusive relationship. You can read more about it here in these articles about narcissistic boyfriends and narcissistic husbands.

 

Domestic violence cycle of emotional abuse

At this stage we are well into the cycle of abuse.

Basically, there is a build up of tension, then the formal abusive episode occurs. The manipulator minimises or even denies there was any problem. He or she will often blame the victim for what actually happened. Then there is a period of relative calm. There may even be some nice moments at this time.

This period is actually the most damaging for the victim. Why do I say that? Because it's in these pleasant, relaxed moments that the victim forgives and forgets to some extent what has happened and gives the manipulator another chance.

This is done deliberately on the part of the abuser because they know that when they being friendly it's difficult for the victim to be angry at them.

This is a tactic of theirs that used in general. When they realize they are losing control, for example, if the victim says they want to leave the relationship, very often the first thing the manipulator does is to be nice and friendly. This being friendly is pure manipulation. They are actively manipulating your perceptions of them to get you to stay in the relationship.

Something to keep in mind is that even bad people can do nice things for others. In general, nice people don't do bad things to others.

As I said above, the cycle of abuse is only one of the steps of an abusive relationship so I am not going to spend too much time on it here. You can read more about the details in this article specifically about the cycle of emotional abuse.

 

Steps of an abusive relationship - realization

Recognising that there is something wrong in the relationship can occur at any point. As I mentioned, some people recognise within seconds that there is something off about the person in front of them.

Sometimes the manipulator says something that really catches the victim's attention. The victim knows there is something wrong or bad about it but in the moment is unable to do anything with respect to this.

There may be many, many episodes of this throughout the relationship. The manipulator will do whatever it takes to get the victim to ignore these moments. Remember, the pseudo-personality is programmed to believe the manipulator, even when it knows there is something up.

At some point in the relationship victim sees the recurring patterns of control and begins to have doubts about the integrity of their partner. The real personality does not like it but the pseudo-personality is programmed to tolerate it. The real personality wants to leave, the pseudo-personality is programmed to stay. The real personality is beginning not to like this person but the pseudo-personality is programmed to love them and take care of them.

One part of you wants one thing, another part wants the opposite. You might think one thing but feel the opposite. You may even have contradictory emotions.

This is very disconcerting for people and victims often report at this stage that they felt like they were going crazy. They were being blamed for everything but they secretly suspected that their partner was the issue. Again, this is part and parcel of mind control environments.

After some period time, which can even be years, people realize that they no longer want to be in the relationship. However, taking the next steps of an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult.

 

Steps of an abusive relationship - leaving

Because the manipulator creates dependency in the victim, the victim is often tormented about the idea of leaving the relationship.

This fear of leaving often operates at the level of a phobia. A phobia is an irrational fear, a fear unrelated to reality. The manipulator will often make their victim feel that they will be all alone if they leave, that they will never find anybody else to be with and they may even threaten violence if the victim thinks of leaving.

The manipulator does not have to be so overt, however. Many victims in mind control environments feel that they literally will not be able to survive without their partner. They're afraid they won't be able to find a job, or manage finances, or deal with ordinary situations in their day-to-day living. Some feel they would actually die without the manipulator.

The power of the dependency is poorly understood and is grossly underestimated, I believe.

People have all sorts of reasons why they put off leaving, finances, children, fear of retaliation, nowhere to go, and so on. But even if these issues are resolved for people they still have difficulty leaving. Why? Because of that dependency!

You can read more about specific considerations when leaving, how to, preparation, legal considerations, do's and don'ts, and so on in this article about leaving an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

Steps of an abusive relationship - recovery

People who leave abusive situations often heave a huge sigh of relief and think that things will now get better.

Unfortunately the reality is often very different. First of all, the pseudo-personality has, you could say, a master doctrine that determines thinking, decision-making, activities and such. This master doctrine was put in place by the manipulator for the benefit of the manipulator.

It's a shock for many people to leave a mind control environment and for life to actually get worse. It can become incredibly difficult to make the most basic decisions. Some people just struggle trying to decide what to have for breakfast, whether to have a shower not, and what clothes to put on.

The pseudopersonality does not disappear on its own just because you leave. It was put in place with very strong influence techniques over months or years.

You did not recognise what was happening. This is no fault of yours. But it does mean that you can't easily undo it because you don't know how it was put in place. If you were not aware of the techniques being used against you, you could not mentally resist.

This is where the professional help comes in! (Irrespective of which of the steps of an abusive relationship you think you might be in, getting non-judgmental, expert input will be of value to you!)

The second thing that happens after the breakup is that very often the abuser is angry and annoyed. The relationship was based on their controlling you. Oftentimes they will not give up that control easily. They spent some considerable time getting you to be their slave and it's easier for them to chase you than to create another pseudo-personality in somebody else.

Even in divorce cases, they will try and make life miserable for you. They will try and keep you busy, they will create deadlines, they will harass you, they will continue to abuse you, they will not give you what you want, all because these things give them a sense of control over you. They know they are upsetting you and that for them is a 'win'.

If you are struggling, consider getting professional help. Someone who understands the subtleties of mind control will go a long way to help alleviate the stress and suffering of being in, and getting out of, an abusive situation.

A good recovery involves getting rid of that pseudo-personality, undoing the dependency, clearing out the beliefs and ideas that they imposed upon you, changing the master doctrine to your own and taking control of your life again. This is obviously a big job but is always worth it.

While the master doctrine and pseudo-personality are still in place, you are guaranteed to have problems.

A major mistake some people make is that when they leave they think it's all over. Whenever an issue arises in the future the victim believes it's their own doing or it's something about themselves that they have to change. They don't recognise the level to which they've been programmed so they don't associate the problem with the manipulator. They think they themselves are to blame.

Therefore the problem is not well defined which means that many solutions that will be tried are never going to work.

People can spend years trying to fix and change themselves whereas, in fact, what they should be doing is undoing the changes the manipulator imposed upon them.

And, of course, the last part of the good recovery is learning how to create and nurture healthy relationships again. You need a new set of criteria for making friends. You need a different strategy for assessing whether somebody is trustworthy or not. You need new a list of behaviours you expect in a relationship and another list of behaviours that are dealbreakers.

Did I mention professional help?!?

 

Steps of an abusive relationship - further reading

You can read more here about:

• mind control tactics
• what constitutes an abusive relationship
• recovering from a psychopathic relationship
• signs of a controlling wife
• leaving a controlling husband and
• divorcing a sociopath

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